


Chef de Cuisine, Cagnazzo

by Temthasy



Category: Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy IV: The After Years
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22860280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Temthasy/pseuds/Temthasy
Summary: Cagnazzo returns to the tower and shows off his culinary skill, but maybe he should learn more about his ingredients... Oneshot, light-hearted, fun. archFRIENDS.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Chef de Cuisine, Cagnazzo

A clock mounted on the wall read twenty minutes past six. Cagnazzo scratched himself in the king's body. He gets itchy doing this for too long. It was time to take a break. He dispatched some of the noisy Red Wings out on some business that ought to take while.

Pressing a certain rock on the wall uncovered some unusual technology shaped like a door. He pushed it open and slipped away into the Lunarian made gateway. The gate shifted and camouflaged itself inconspicuously after he crossed over. It was a very convenient portal which connected his new castle to his rooms in the Tower of Zot. Shedding his diguise in a fluid motion, he could hear the pops and cracks made by all of his joints. The blue man patted his soft belly.

He glanced over his room, quickly locating the piece of himself he was missing. He slipped on his prized shell-like armor, and cozied himself against its fitted walls. Finally feeling like himself again, he trekked out to greet his tower-mates. Cagnazzo smiled a toothy smile. The top brass of the Red Wings were supposedly the best of the best, but they're about to get a real bad time. The archfiend couldn't wait to brag about his latest plan to his companions.

He found the empress of the wind first. She was on the kitchen level, rummaging though one of the refrigerators. He snuck up behind her. Before he was able to greet her, she slammed the door shut.

Her eyes met his.

"Ugh," Barbariccia flapped her hair around above her, as if that made her more intimidating or something? Cagnazzo could only assume that's what she was trying to do. It just looked weird.

"What? Did I do something to you?" Cagnazzo was a bit taken aback by the sudden attitude she was giving. Her arms were full of groceries- broccoli, asparagus, steaks, whole fish, apples, and eggs. Cagnazzo quirked up a brow at her.

She shook her head, "Ugh, because!" She paused for emphasis. "We are out of poultry!" She grabbed one of the fishes and tore a chunk out its side.

Cagnazzo looked on in horror, witnessing Barbarricia's monstrous appetite annihilate the food in her arms in a matter of moments. Her fangs protruding, her expression growing more ferocious with each bite. Bits of scales and bones and seeds flung in the air. One even struck him on the cheek, sticking itself there.

He swayed uncomfortably. Cagnazzo was pretty certain Barbarricia didn't want anyone to see her frenzied face. It wasn't pretty. It was actually a little sickening to him now. He has been living a human life lately, and he's grown accustomed to cooked food. Really, cuisine was a whole new level. There's no way he would want to go back to raw food.

"AHH!" She cried out. "I'm still so hungry!" A pile of discarded bits had fallen on the floor beneath her floating figure. It was almost four inches high.

The drowned king knew already. A ship full of food wouldn't satisfy her stomach when it gets this way. Perhaps he could satisfy her in a different way. Not with quantity, but with quality. "Why don't I cook you something?"

Her stare was blank. "...Sure, whatever." She was so hungry, she didn't want to wait for cooked food. But if he's going to feed her, she'll let him.

Cagnazzo raided the remaining fridges and freezers for ingredients. The windstress depleted most of the rations already. But there was something to work with - porkloins and herbs and butter with some vegetables. The vegetables were all dark, leafy greens. Cagnazzo snuck a side-glare at Barbarricia. She always skips spinach even though it's good for her. She started to whistle off-tune, feigning innocence. There were also some weird looking yellowish herbs amongst the normal looking herbs.

In a flash, the water fiend prepped, seasoned, and roasted his meal. The robust scent of meat flowed into Barbarricia's nose and out of her mouth after it immediately dropped open. Drool noticeably pooled up before she closed it quickly with her hands. She was mesmerized by the sound of sizzling. Cagnazzo put up a finger, non-verbally urging her to be patient.

When he was convinced she wouldn't attack him for the pan, he continued. He took an extra step and used the healthy herbs and the butter to make a rich sauce, drizzling it over the wilted spinach and herbaceous roasted pork. Normally, it'd be served on a plate but Cagnazzo placed it in a serving bowl. It was the largest dish.

"Bone apple teeth." Chef Cagnazzo presented his masterpiece.

Barbarricia didn't even hesitate, not even to question Cagnazzo's odd phrase. She grabbed at a pork slice. Hot! She dropped it, her hand reeled back. A blue finger pushed the utensils on the table a bit closer to her. The fork was wisely was encouraged. She awkwardly picked it up, holding it with her full fist. It just stabs? Easy enough. She stabbed through three slices of pork in one motion.

She lifted them above her head and then down into her mouth. Literal ecstasy. Overwhelmingly delicious! She chewed and the buttery juice spilled over her tastebuds. The hardy mouthful nearly brought tears out of her eyes. Barbarricia scarfed the whole dish down, even down to the detested spinach leaves. Cagnazzo posed with his thumb up.

"How was it?" He asked, but he already knew the answer.

She wiped her smiling lips with the back of her hand. "I've never had anything like it. You should do this again."

Cagnazzo frowned. "I can't do it without any ingredients. Tell the doctor to buy some more."

Barbarricia promised she will. She lied. A twinge of slight guilt set in. She was pretty sure the doctor brought the food just yesterday. Dr. Lugae left for the Tower of Babil and won't be back for another week. Cagnazzo stared through her with his tawny eyes, as if he knew she was lying. She let out a little laugh, to cover it up. He stared even harder.

"Thanks for the food!" She decidedly excused herself. Aw. Maybe she can force Cindy, Sandy, and Mindy do some grocery shopping.

The water archfiend shook his head. He looked at what she left him with: dirty dishes, spinach stems, and those unfamiliar yellow herbs. A loud growl erupted from his stomach. Selfish Barbarricia ate all of the food, but he did all the cooking. It's not rewarding when you can't taste what you make!

Cagnazzo bitterly munched on the plants in front of him. It will quiet down his tummy enough. He will just have the castle staff prepare him food once he returns. The stems crunched well, but had no flavor. Though the pale yellowed buds have a bit of a spicy taste, they also were lacking.

Swishing some water over the dishes with magic, he absentmindly thought about all the different meals he should request of the servants. He picked up a brown towel and dried off the water.

"Excuse me..." A small voice snapped Cagnazzo out of his feastable fantasy.

"Ah!" He jumped. Suddenly, Scarmiglione was right next to him. He noticed Scarmiglione's cloak was warped in an usual way. Following it with his eyes, it lead him to his own hand. Oh! He embarrassingly chuckled.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to use you like a dish rag." Cagnazzo said bluntly, letting go. The earth fiend didn't acknowledge it.

"Are you using my plants?"

A list of all of the plants that Cagnazzo just utilized in his cooking escapade tried to form itself in his head. He didn't know them by name. Scarmiglione could sense Cagnazzo's attempt at thinking.

"It's okay if you are," the blinded despot reassured him. "It's good poison."

"Poison?" Cagnazzo's heart sank. "Which plants were yours, exactly?"

Scarmiglione looked up at him innocently. "The ones stuck in your teeth?"

On cue, the poison began to set in. The drowned king realized he couldn't speak. He couldn't move his arms. Cagnazzo began silent screaming. Why would anyone just leave poison with the herbs? In the fridge? Why did he eat the shrub stubs? He didn't even need to eat them! He has dinner awaiting him in Baron, but now he's going to die? He toppled over.

His corpse-friend watched him fall. Cagnazzo pleaded with his eyes. Scarmiglione didn't move. Was he always this detached and heartless?

Scarmiglione coughed. "Okay... I will go now." He clearly didn't know how to handle this situation.

He glanced back once at the fallen Cagnazzo. Glanced twice. He hesitated. "Do... you need help getting back up?" He knew turtles had a difficult time getting rightside-up after falling down. He was met with silent staring.

Scarmiglione didn't know how to take that. He tentatively approached his blue buddy, waiting for a protest. When he didn't hear any he reached out and tipped the shell, successfully flipping him forward.

The flipped fiend struggled to form words. "You... antidote..." He forced himself.

Scarmiglione was confused. "Antidote? ...For the insecticide?" He's never heard of such a thing.

Cagnazzo also never heard of such a thing. Wait.

"Insecticide?" Miraculously, the turtle found his voice. "You said it was poison!"

"...It _is_ good poison. ...For insects..."

**Author's Note:**

> Barb now has the Magus Sisters cooking her meals.
> 
> Cagnazzo returned safely as the King of Baron, but suffered major diarrhea for the following few days.
> 
> Scarmiglione made the insect antidote that Cagnazzo so desperately requested. He's very excited to share it with him.


End file.
